Saturday, June 26, 2010

Clouded Heart

I've decided the best place to rant is over this blog for now. Maybe someone will relate.

I find I'm currently still in the midst of finding out who I am... how I am... what I am...

You see the point. Or so I hope.

I see myself experimenting all the time, without even really trying. For example, in the ways I type. It appears that I change the way I sound certain times, depending on my mood, I suppose.
"Right now I'm typing in a tone that could possibly be taken as maybe smarter or dignified... in my opinion at least."
"Now its like idk... typical teen-ish business. Ya know, the way I'm typing."
"Aww yeeeeah. Guess what this be n00beRRrr." (I don't type like this much at all.)
"Eh, not sure what I'd call this. But I use it sometimes when I'm chattin'." (Laid back??)

Anyway, I hope you get what I mean. That's only an example of how it feels like I'm trying to find... well me essentially.

It's even in the way I'm completely indecisive. My friends are always saying that to decide things I should "follow my heart" or "do what I feel inside." ... I never know what I feel inside when it comes to decisions. For example, I was trying to decide what school to go to next year. It was (and still is) a big decision for me, since I feel you always look back on your high school years and memories. They told me to follow my heart... but no matter how hard I tried to listen to my heart or whatever I can't decide... or I decide and then change my mind. Then decide and change my mind again. And again.

So I'm not sure what to do. It's as if I'm looking into my heart, and the outer covering is glass. Someone or something on the inside is constantly fogging up the glass so I can't see or feel what's in its contents. If that makes any sense at all.

Thus, I find people frustrated with me when I have them try and help me decide things... or even when I just think about it. Please, won't you just bear with me? I would for you.

All I know, is I'm tired of waiting for things to happen. Playing by ear. I want to make my own decisions, make my own life happen. But I'm stuck with this clouded heart thing. Ooh! Song inspiration! I need to figure this out. But until then... what shall I do?


  1. I can relate to the "follow your heart" feeling, but I must warn you that you must also use your mind because the heart can be very fickle. This is true when it comes to choosing a college or university.

    I, too, wanted to follow my heart when that time came, yet I was also aware of what was and wasn't financially feasible. I also had some personal issues that ultimately balanced my decision of where I eventually went.

    Also, ones writing reflects his state of mind. If I feel inspired, the words I think about sound mildly poetic. But most of the time I sound like a textbook. :-P

    -French Bean

  2. Hey, thanks much for the advice. The reason, I think, that my friends keep trying to pull the heart thing, is because I often think WAY too much about things. Their point, I'd assume, is to worry less and go for it. But I find things more important and complicated... can't be decided by just going for it. Thus, my confusion. *Sigh..*

    I find though, they do have a point. My decision shouldn't be that complicated. You see, I'm not looking into college, I'm trying to decide between two high schools. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but then in comes the personal issues thing...

    I agree with the fact that writing reflects a persons state of mind. Which is why it's such a passion of mine. :)

    Thanks much for the response.