Monday, December 17, 2012

Farewell To a Blog

Hello to anyone who still follows this blog.

I really appreciate that you've stuck around despite my absence for a very long time. I'm extremely happy you've enjoyed my writing enough to add me on your list of "to-read's". That being said, I feel like I owe you an update on my current life, and also a farewell, as I don't plan to come back to this blog anymore.

First of all, looking back on these posts has been very enlightening for me. I realized how very far I've come since I last wrote, and how better of a person I really am. Because honestly, I was a bit pathetic. Though I suppose that's pre-teen/early teen for you... Right? Reading through the last couple posts, I realized how much of this was a diary of my getting over a specific relationship in my life, mixed around with other goings-on. I guess this was beneficial, seeing as I read them and laughed, instead of how reacting how I would have back then. (By crying.)

So, yes. I have finally gotten over this past relationship. Woohoo, victory! Triumph! Part of it was really realizing that the memories would always be there, but that that was a positive thing. And I'm really at piece with it. It's nice.

So there's that. 

So update! I'm currently happily 2 years into my relationship with Mark, who just turned 19 today, and I will be turning 18 in February. I'm nearing the middle of my senior year in high school, and things are going quite well. My grades which suffered in the past (fun fact, turns out I have a sort of [undiagnosed] anxiety and OCD that really hindered my academic performance. So if you remember my ranting about terrible grades and low self-esteem, there you go. Big part of it. Thankfully, I have overcome this and my grades...) are now fabulous (mostly A's and a couple high B's), and I'm still participating in theatre (last musical I was a granny), choir (I'm in the big one now, what up [also acapella]), and robotics (core team, bitches). Ironically, I'm the team blogger. Thank you,! I'm happily at the school I want to be at (if you remember my issues on that note) and have many fantastic friends around me. I also get along better with my parents, though I'll admit I'm still excited to move out for college.

I've learned a lot, and actually most of my conquering was because of my robotics program I'm involve in. I learned what potential I had, and how to separate emotions from work. I didn't do my homework before, because I associated it with parent divorce, loss of loved ones, moving, friend betrayal, etc. Thanks to my team and to my lovely boyfriend for leading me out of a tunnel.

I can also say I'm LOADS more confident that I was before, though I am still human, and have a lot of work to do before I'll be where I want to be.

Hmm what else. Oh! My photography business is booming, I can drive like a normal human being, I'm all responsible and shit, and I still know how to have a kick-ass time with my friends. If you're wondering who that consists of, they're a group of alumni robotics kids in college who I spent my junior year and last summer with, who I became really close to (we play Halo and Magic together like nerds), and also my best friend since 6th grade "Anasta", another best friend from Lakeville, Grace, who is also now in college, a mix of awesome kids at my high school, and miscellaneous other friends who I can't categorize so much. But yeah I spend most my time with those listed, and also (obviously) my boyfriend Mark. 

Other random facts: I started a YouTube channel (so I'm now VLOGGING. Ho ho ho.), I'm making music, I enjoy meditation and yoga, I love video games and nerdy things (and I'm a brony. So.), I live somewhere new but I like it, I wear glasses (don't remember if you were around when that happened), I still write stuff, I still piano and guitar and sing, and I'm still as crazy as ever, but I guess I channel it differently.

I'm not sure what else to tell you! Besides thank you for being here all this time. I appreciate having someone on the receiving end of all my dramatic emotional whatever's. 

Anyway, thank you again for sticking around. I officially retire this blog! It's been fun. :) I wish you all wonderful lives and positive perspectives. Thank you for sharing this with me.

If you'd like to contact me for any reason, even to say hi, feel welcomed to email me at It's an old email, but I still check it. Thanks. :)

Monday, April 2, 2012

And With That...

I was correct to think that talking to you would get me in a writing mood. You always seem to bring out the best worst emotions in me.

Honestly, maybe this is good. The fact that our little chats always go so terribly. Maybe this feeling of "I don't want to talk to you anymore" will stick and I'll actually stop talking to you. Wouldn't that be wonderful... If I could actually finally hit reality that you're not who I thought you were and just move the fuck on?

I mean its not like you're all I think about. You're just all I think about when I have nothing better to think about, and my bad thoughts creep it. All the negatives. You're part of that now, when you used to be the positive.

But lets not get stuck on this again. Who you used to be. That's what gives me hope, what makes me talk to you again. Why can't I just take a sledge hammer to that hope, and stop hanging on to it?

Maybe the hope of "maybe once we're middle-aged and married we'll re-connect and be jolly good friends" should replace "maybe once we're both in the end of college we'll re-connect and be awesome good friends again and he'll totally wish he never gave me up and he'll want to date me but I'll say no".

I don't know why I sometimes want that. He's honestly a jerk. But I'm still stuck on the fact that we used to be so close. Or so I thought.

I honestly am extremely happy with what I have. So I really want to just get rid of this negative want that I don't want but can't seem to stop wanting.

But still I miss it. STOP IT KAYLA. The fun innocent early high school summers... FUUU YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.

This is my problem.

Alright, YOU KNOW WHAT? I don't want him anymore. He's mean. I'll just have once last little "hope all is well :)" conversation with him to leave off everything happy, and then that's it. No more him. Done. If there's gonna be conversations, it'll be him starting it and me finishing it.

There's no more hope for us but waaaaaay into the future, maybe we'll say hello again, and you'll be nice again. But that's it. Just hello, and nothing more behind it.

I don't want you anymore.

And with that, once door closing opened many wonderful new doors all over the world. And things we're awesome.