I was correct to think that talking to you would get me in a writing mood. You always seem to bring out the best worst emotions in me.
Honestly, maybe this is good. The fact that our little chats always go so terribly. Maybe this feeling of "I don't want to talk to you anymore" will stick and I'll actually stop talking to you. Wouldn't that be wonderful... If I could actually finally hit reality that you're not who I thought you were and just move the fuck on?
I mean its not like you're all I think about. You're just all I think about when I have nothing better to think about, and my bad thoughts creep it. All the negatives. You're part of that now, when you used to be the positive.
But lets not get stuck on this again. Who you used to be. That's what gives me hope, what makes me talk to you again. Why can't I just take a sledge hammer to that hope, and stop hanging on to it?
Maybe the hope of "maybe once we're middle-aged and married we'll re-connect and be jolly good friends" should replace "maybe once we're both in the end of college we'll re-connect and be awesome good friends again and he'll totally wish he never gave me up and he'll want to date me but I'll say no".
I don't know why I sometimes want that. He's honestly a jerk. But I'm still stuck on the fact that we used to be so close. Or so I thought.
I honestly am extremely happy with what I have. So I really want to just get rid of this negative want that I don't want but can't seem to stop wanting. what
But still I miss it. STOP IT KAYLA. The fun innocent early high school summers... FUUU YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN.
This is my problem.
Alright, YOU KNOW WHAT? I don't want him anymore. He's mean. I'll just have once last little "hope all is well :)" conversation with him to leave off everything happy, and then that's it. No more him. Done. If there's gonna be conversations, it'll be him starting it and me finishing it.
There's no more hope for us but waaaaaay into the future, maybe we'll say hello again, and you'll be nice again. But that's it. Just hello, and nothing more behind it.
I don't want you anymore.
And with that, once door closing opened many wonderful new doors all over the world. And things we're awesome.