Sunday, December 18, 2011

Because of.

I can't believe those pictures still make me cry.

It's not something that makes sense. It's not something that ever did. But I also suppose, it's not something that has to.

You we awkward. I liked that about you. I don't know why I did, but I did. You were intriguing, with your unique music sense and poetry writing. Being extremely intelligent, you had skipped a grade. But in all reality, you were only one year older than me. I only really hung around people older than me, so it made sense there.
When we were first texting, I remember a time during the summer where I was bored. I kind of hinted at hanging out with you, and you awkwardly mentioned you didn't know me well enough to come over. I hadn't hinted at it for you to come over. Only to show you that I enjoyed your presence.
I don't really remember how we did start to hangout outside the group. I think it was because we were constantly texting. Maybe it was through that, we realized you were just down the street from me.
I don't really remember what we did when we started to hang out, I only remember later on, as we became good friends. You brought me fudge once. It was delicious. I remember that. I was dating another guy at the time when we were first hanging out. I'd always bring you along to certain things. You were a fantastic friend.
I remember when that guy dumped me, and started to write mean things to me. I read one of his terrible messages while you were on your way over. I remember hearing the doorbell as my terrified eyes shifted from the computer screen to my door. I walked stone-faced to answer the door, barely looked at you in motioning you to follow, then broke down in sobs as I pushed the computer over to you to read. You read it, grimaced, and came over to comfort me, wrapped up in a ball, sitting on my bed. I don't remember what you did, but you made me feel okay after a terrible breakup. With this, you started becoming my best friend.
I remember the day you told me your biggest secret. And still I'd never tell a soul to this day, even though you did hurt me. We were sitting on my bed, well, me on the footrest, you on the mattress. I don't know how it came up, but I remember the sun outside, it was summer. I remember your tears, the feeling of wanting to reach out and hold you, tell you it's okay. I remember you telling the story, painfully, without making eye contact with me. Staring down. I looked at you with sympathy, wishing I could comfort you, tell you it's no so bad, tell you how much I appreciate you. I remember your look of horror, re-living a moment in your life that scared you the greatest, made you feel nervous in your own home. I wanted so badly to come to your house and protect you, or something.
We started telling each other everything. And we really did tell each other everything. We became so very close... And thus grew a very obvious attraction between us, neither of us could admit. My mom told me not to be more than friends with you, don't ruin it like what happened with the last guy. So I told her I wouldn't. You were my best friend, that's it, at least for now. We're young, lets leave it here for now, right?
We went to homecoming together as friends. Just as friends, though we knew we were in very strong like. Our friends teased us for being cuddly, they could see our attraction to each other as well. This made you get the courage to admit it to me. But we'll get to that later. Homecoming was so much fun with our group, it was my first dance and the gang made it special. I also remember awkwardly meeting eyes as the slow song came on, and you took my hand for a dance. Neither of us really knew what we were doing. None the less, there was almost electricity forming between us, as we held each other and moved back and fourth to dance. I remember my face being so close to yours, and how you looked at me. I was scared to death that you'd kiss me. Though I knew I wanted you to, there was no way I would've been brave enough then.
After the dance, we were even more cuddly. We cuddled all the time. I remember that time on my couch, when we were watching a movie, and by force of habit I put my legs over yours. I moved them away and awkwardly apologized, but you shook your head and moved them back on to you. I remember how wonderful that felt. How wonderful it felt every time we cuddled. Sometimes on your couch, my couch, my bed, your bed. Always innocent cuddling. That was it. I remember once, on your bed, we were cuddling and playing Disney songs on your oh-so-precious iPod. I remember tensing up as "Kiss the Girl" came on, secretly wishing you'd follow the songs advice. You never knew that. I kind of wish you did.
As time went on, you did indeed get brave enough to tell me you liked me. I don't remember how the conversation went down, but I remember being in my basement, in the computer room which is now my room and the room I'm typing this in. I remember shaking, predicting what you were about to admit. Then you did, and I admitted it back. We both kind of sat there in giggly-ness for a little, until you asked if we should actually start dating. This is where my heart sank a little, as I forced myself to tell you I wasn't ready. It was just too soon yet, I was still shaky after the last guy, who was indeed my first guy. You said it was okay we stayed best friends, and I said maybe we can date in the future. I think you got too excited about this, as I think you assumed "the future" would be within the next few weeks.
After awhile, you started hinting at another girl. You obviously liked her, she showed interest in you. This made me angry at her, couldn't she see she was tearing us apart? Either way, with heavy heart I told him I didn't want to hold him back. I wasn't ready for a relationship, and maybe we could be together in the future, right?
He started hanging around her a lot. He still saw me, until one terrible night... I was getting increasingly emotional because of the turn of events in my life, my parents were divorcing right after my grandma died, my ex-boyfriend was still harassing me online, a couple of my good friends turned against me, and it was too much for my soft heart to handle. So, on a walk to BK one night, I broke down on a simple decision. To you, it looked like me unable to decide whether or not to go to Burger King or not. But to me, it was deciding whether or not to stop at my house to get money, where my dad could be awaiting to see me walking alone with a boy. With this, he'd get angry at my mom for allowing this, and then my mom would get upset at me for passing off my dad. As the scene unfolded in my head, I broke down crying and you got frustrated, waiting for me to make a decision. When I finally chose to go back to his house, we chatted upstairs away from your brothers, and you asked me to just let it go, after my several attempts to get you to understand. So I did. Though in my heart I felt unsettled.
We were never the same after that. You picked me apart, told me every little thing I needed to fix, etc. Then I remember the day you told me you decided to start dating her. I was on my way to school when I got your text. I remember texting back "Okay." and biting my tongue as hard as I could to keep from crying. I also remember stabbing my finger with my pencil in first hour, willing myself to wait to break down, so I could just get to my friends. These scenes and emotions are triggered vividly in my mind, where I feel I'll keep them for quite awhile still.
After this we didn't talk for a long time. We talked to others about each other... Me bursting with emotion, you appearing more cold. Seeing the pictures of you and her killed me. You went to homecoming together. A picture of you kissing her came up, and I remember immediately bursting into tears. It was the same with the picture of you napping with each other, cuddling so close. I remember finally getting the courage to message you, only to have you reply with "We're not best friends anymore." I died that day. Or so I thought. I ran up to my mother, crying so hard and choking out the words. I don't think you knew how much I loved you. It hurt more, because we told each other we loved each other, and I believed you and meant it with all my heart... But I don't think you meant it in the way I did.
We talk every once in awhile now. But you're not you. Over the year or so we stopped talking, you became someone else. You became a guy who was obsessed with how he appeared. You became hipster. You became a social chameleon, and now you have tons of friends who you keep on the surface, because I don't think anyone really knows the real you anymore. I don't even believe you do.
You talk to me as if we never were. As if you never met me. And I've wanted to stop resisting and tell you I miss you so many times but I can't. You're not even you! In the slightest!
I found out later what you used to say about me. It was almost as if saying all those things that were wrong about me was your way of be-ridding yourself of me, so you could move on to someone else. You don't like all the heavy emotions, I guess. Maybe that's why you became what you are now, the social chameleon. It breaks my heart.
But the thing that bothers me now, is that those damn pictures can still make me cry like they did back when I loved you. I don't like you anymore, I don't want to be around who you are now, but I still miss that awkward guy who I danced with years ago. I want him back. I want to be his friend. But I don't know why.

It's not something that makes sense. It's not something that ever did. But I also suppose, it's not something that has to.

This is why I consider you my first love. The one I don't think I'll ever truly get over. Because of our times together. Because of how I loved you. Because I still cry over it every now and then, even though I don't like you. Because of how I wish you were still you. Because of how many times I wish I could call you up and tell you I miss you. Because of how I won't. Because of how you're the subject of my best written songs. Because I'm able to write this.

Contrary to how this sounds, I am moved on. I have a wonderful guy whom I love, more than I've ever loved anyone, including you. I have great best friends who are always there for me. I am me.
But me, still misses the old you. And that's the part of you that's embedded in my heart.
I don't hate you. I want the best for you. I want to thank you for giving me good enough and bad enough times that I remember them so vividly. I learned a lot from you, my character is changed because of you. And this is where I leave you.

As a vividly intense memory, my first love, my old best friend.

Maybe someday we'll be friends again. Maybe someday you'll be you again. Maybe someday, we'll again talk, and maybe someday you'll see this. Or maybe I'll just tell you.

And that's good enough for me. Here you go, fate, the rest is yours.

For now, I'm sleeping. Goodnight, blog, memories, emotions. Until next time. I've got the rest of my life tomorrow.

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