I find it interesting... That my biggest inspiration is still my (seemingly) biggest pain. But not that unbearable-I-refuse-to-think-about-it pain, but the I-still-torture-myself-thinking-about-it pain that I still can't seem to get over. But... Maybe this is one of those things you just never get over.
I'm talking about a first love.
IT FUCKING SUCKS.
Every once in awhile, usually when all seems dandy for the few seconds it ever does, that's when he comes back into my head. What the fuck this isn't supposed to still happen! This is long gone!
Except not really.
I guess... It's because it's how I feel the most. Well, the things that make me feel the most are love, music, art, and love.
Basically, positive or negative, love is what gets me to feel. And I love feeling.
But all the same, I don't love loving to feel that heartache that came with my first love.
But Kayla, how can you love heartache?
I don't love the heartache, I love what it used to be. I loved what it was until the heartbreak, and that's what makes it so apparent.
But Kayla, aren't you happy with your love life now?
Absolutely. But one of the past still sticks with me.
Do you still love him? The first love guy?
No, but I still have love for who he used to be, who I thought he was. But my heart belongs to my current boyfriend and love of my life, Mark.
Well, then why does this bother you?
Because a chunk of that heart is gone because of the first love.
Anyways, I don't know what to do about it. I want to move on, but part of me hasn't left it yet. There really was no type of "closure" and there's an unsettled type of feeling.
Some of my friends tell me to write him a letter, getting out all I need to get out.
Some say to just forget about it.
Granted, that's not really happening.
I don't really think anyone gets how it still bothers me, and I think I'd like to leave it that way. Not sure I'm even comfortable with those who have access to this blog to be reading it. I don't like to think it could be taken the wrong way. And I don't like to admit this type of thing, but it's been on my chest a lot lately.
And I don't know what to do.
Oh my gosh, I don't know what to do. There's things I'm struggling to admit to myself in my mind that there's no way I could get out into text, but I'm scared that are true.
But the thing is he's a total jackass now! HOW AM I STILL LIKE THIS!?
I need help with this. I need advice. I need girl talk kind of advice. But I don't know if this is just another late night spurt that will wither away into tomorrow, and I'll once again tell myself that it's no biggie, just a burst of emotion.
But it's how I feel in this burst that is constant, and worrying.
Maybe I'll post this just because. Just so the world can know it's real. But if half the people I knew read this, I'd want to shoot myself. Gah.
In this post, I've already admitted a lot of things I haven't. Like even accepting that he was my first love. *twitch*
I need a girls night to just sit down and settle this bullshit out, just so my oh-shit-it's-5am nights don't end up like this each time. Just... Get out all the left over emotions and decide what I need to do, and do what I need to do.
Also if you know me at all, you'd know I'm a late nighter. So this must happen.
Huahh. I should probably sleep now... Hope you enjoyed a blur of 5am teenage emotion.