I find I'm currently still in the midst of finding out who I am... how I am... what I am...
You see the point. Or so I hope.
I see myself experimenting all the time, without even really trying. For example, in the ways I type. It appears that I change the way I sound certain times, depending on my mood, I suppose.
Examples:
"Right now I'm typing in a tone that could possibly be taken as maybe smarter or dignified... in my opinion at least."
"Now its like idk... typical teen-ish business. Ya know, the way I'm typing."
"Aww yeeeeah. Guess what this be n00beRRrr." (I don't type like this much at all.)
"Eh, not sure what I'd call this. But I use it sometimes when I'm chattin'." (Laid back??)
Anyway, I hope you get what I mean. That's only an example of how it feels like I'm trying to find... well me essentially.
It's even in the way I'm completely indecisive. My friends are always saying that to decide things I should "follow my heart" or "do what I feel inside." ... I never know what I feel inside when it comes to decisions. For example, I was trying to decide what school to go to next year. It was (and still is) a big decision for me, since I feel you always look back on your high school years and memories. They told me to follow my heart... but no matter how hard I tried to listen to my heart or whatever I can't decide... or I decide and then change my mind. Then decide and change my mind again. And again.
So I'm not sure what to do. It's as if I'm looking into my heart, and the outer covering is glass. Someone or something on the inside is constantly fogging up the glass so I can't see or feel what's in its contents. If that makes any sense at all.
Thus, I find people frustrated with me when I have them try and help me decide things... or even when I just think about it. Please, won't you just bear with me? I would for you.
All I know, is I'm tired of waiting for things to happen. Playing by ear. I want to make my own decisions, make my own life happen. But I'm stuck with this clouded heart thing. Ooh! Song inspiration! I need to figure this out. But until then... what shall I do?
