Just Kidding.

Nobody read my last rant anyways. So, I dub this a safe place to vent all of my frustrations! *woo*

I realized today (in a however-many-hours-long crying-fit for two) that I have much bigger problems that what my last post was about. Fuck the last post. This matters so much more.

Just kidding, I can't actually write about this with a good conscience, since it involves the love of my life.

So I un-dub this a safe place to rant. Just in case. Bye, ranting on this blog.

This blog will hopefully get better.

Maybe.

Could End Up Regretting This (5am Emotions GodHelpUs)

I find it interesting... That my biggest inspiration is still my (seemingly) biggest pain. But not that unbearable-I-refuse-to-think-about-it pain, but the I-still-torture-myself-thinking-about-it pain that I still can't seem to get over. But... Maybe this is one of those things you just never get over.

I'm talking about a first love.

IT FUCKING SUCKS.

Every once in awhile, usually when all seems dandy for the few seconds it ever does, that's when he comes back into my head. What the fuck this isn't supposed to still happen! This is long gone!

Except not really.

I guess... It's because it's how I feel the most. Well, the things that make me feel the most are love, music, art, and love.

Mostly love.

Basically, positive or negative, love is what gets me to feel. And I love feeling.

But all the same, I don't love loving to feel that heartache that came with my first love.

But Kayla, how can you love heartache?
I don't love the heartache, I love what it used to be. I loved what it was until the heartbreak, and that's what makes it so apparent.
But Kayla, aren't you happy with your love life now?
Absolutely. But one of the past still sticks with me.
Do you still love him? The first love guy?
No, but I still have love for who he used to be, who I thought he was. But my heart belongs to my current boyfriend and love of my life, Mark.
Well, then why does this bother you?
Because a chunk of that heart is gone because of the first love.
Ohh.

Anyways, I don't know what to do about it. I want to move on, but part of me hasn't left it yet. There really was no type of "closure" and there's an unsettled type of feeling.

Some of my friends tell me to write him a letter, getting out all I need to get out.

Some say to just forget about it.

Granted, that's not really happening.

I don't really think anyone gets how it still bothers me, and I think I'd like to leave it that way. Not sure I'm even comfortable with those who have access to this blog to be reading it. I don't like to think it could be taken the wrong way. And I don't like to admit this type of thing, but it's been on my chest a lot lately.

And I don't know what to do.

Oh my gosh, I don't know what to do. There's things I'm struggling to admit to myself in my mind that there's no way I could get out into text, but I'm scared that are true.

But the thing is he's a total jackass now! HOW AM I STILL LIKE THIS!?

I need help with this. I need advice. I need girl talk kind of advice. But I don't know if this is just another late night spurt that will wither away into tomorrow, and I'll once again tell myself that it's no biggie, just a burst of emotion.

But it's how I feel in this burst that is constant, and worrying.

*sigh*

Fucking emotions.

Maybe I'll post this just because. Just so the world can know it's real. But if half the people I knew read this, I'd want to shoot myself. Gah.

In this post, I've already admitted a lot of things I haven't. Like even accepting that he was my first love. *twitch*

I need a girls night to just sit down and settle this bullshit out, just so my oh-shit-it's-5am nights don't end up like this each time. Just... Get out all the left over emotions and decide what I need to do, and do what I need to do.

Also if you know me at all, you'd know I'm a late nighter. So this must happen.

Huahh. I should probably sleep now... Hope you enjoyed a blur of 5am teenage emotion.

Goodnight/morning.

Scared

You can't say "I'm not a jealous person." until you've been given reason to be, and overcome it.

[This is from a friends perspective that I decided to write about.]

I always was a person who didn't get why people were so concerned over whether or not their partner was cheating or going to cheat. I figured, if they were cheating, they're not who you thought they were, so then get rid of the jerk! And relationships are about trust. So, just make sure you don't trust the person until you're 100% sure.

It was only until recently that I thought myself to be jealousy-free. I've never had a real threat. And I figured if I got one, it'd be easy. No big deal, my partner would never do anything to hurt me, whether that's cheating or straight-up dumping me for another.

Then I actually got one. Someone likes him, and want's us to break up. I've never had this happen, especially not because she generally really values him. It would be less scary, if I didn't think she actually liked him, or if she would be terrible for him. But... Frankly... She's a good person. She would never actually do anything to break us up. But the fact that she does like him and she is a good person... Scares me.
It would be different if I wasn't completely in love with him. It would also be different if I thought I deserved him more. Also... That he loves me as well.

I now know from talking to him and observing that he'd never do anything to break my heart, but I still get scared, I still get jealous... As my heart is indeed in his hands, and is very fragile.
I thought this sort of thing would be easy. If anything actually happened, well, at least you know he's not the one, and you can get rid of him.

But it's not that simple. He's got my heart. It would destroy me if it did happen.
So now I get it. I understand why people get jealous. I understand why people get so scared that their partner might leave them for another or cheat. If it's not from pervious experience, it's because you're scared the one you love will leave you.

But...
I've learned another thing through this too.
He'd never do it. He loves me and I love him. And in order for the relationship to function properly, I have to trust that he'd never break my heart, and just love him with all I am.

I love you, dear. And I understand why she wants you. But I want you more, and you want me too.
That's why we have each other.

Remembering.

Well... What if I don't want to forget?

I've heard people say before, that in order to get over people, you need to forget them. The people you liked and the people you said you loved and the people you do love. The emotions you felt, the times you had, etc. After you forget all of that over time, then you can move on and love someone new, yes?

Well, what if I simply DO NOT want to forget?
Some people will argue, "Why? Don't you want to forget all the bad times, and the heartbreak you went through?" And I simply would rebuttle, "No."
I don't want to forget the wonderful time I had with you, I don't want to forget the feelings I had for you, I don't want to forget the way I felt when you messaged me, I don't want to forget that fight I had with you, I don't want to forget when you broke my heart.
"You're crazy."
Yes. I'm crazy because I want to remember all the emotions I had. The emotions that were so real, so vivid, so very important to me at the time. No I don't want to hold on to them forever, yes I want to get over them, but I want to REMEMEBER them. They were real. They make me, me.
There are certain times I don't want to remember though. But it's almost like I recieve a new view when I do remember, though. So, I guess I do want to remember still. Just some less often.

Wull hai der.

Yeah. Hey. I know what you're thinking.

'PFHA. Kayla is just gonna make excuses on her blog forever and never post. Well I don't even care anymore. TAKE THAT.'

But really! It's not like that! I plan on taking this back up when school starts. ^^''

NEW THINGS: [Updates:]

- I like anime.

- I have a photography business.

- New bands, new music, lotsa concerts.

- Clothesssssssssss!

- Hopefully moving rooms yaaaaaaaaaay!

- I'm even more in love with Mark every day. <3 [8 months!]

- I have glasses!

- I joined a cult! [No I'm kidding, that ones a joke.]

WELL I HAD A BUNCH MORE HERE THAT WAS AMAZING BUT BLOGGER NEVER ACTUALLY POSTED THIS APPARENTLY. :( So this is what you get, kthxbai.

Been Meaning to Say

To be honest, I'm really not liking this. The whole faking-like-it-never-happened thing. I mean, it's good that we're talking and all, but you act as if I just met you. Like the friend who 'I also know' wasn't someone I introduced YOU to. Like I don't already know this and that about you, you have to inform me.

You're an interesting character, you know that. You're intriguing. You're a false sense of security. I hate it. I hate how you can pull someone in, so much that they fall for you. For your witty sense of humour, your odd ways of viewing things that some how always makes so much sense, your love for things different.

But that's the thing. You do that, and then you kill them. You make them feel like everything and then you stab them in the heart with a rusty spork that's on fire.

Except for, that literally happening would probably feel less painful than what you do.

You take a person, you change them, you make them feel less significant, you kill them, you leave them forever different - You leave them broken hearted, and with no trust for anyone else, since you took all of theirs and shattered it.

And you do this over and over.

Then after some time, you make them your acquaintance, so you're free of the guilt you build up, and the process again starts with someone new.

The sad part, is that you curse them. They'll never get over you. They'll still want what they thought they had with you, they'll still want to be your friend, they'll still feel insignificant.

Unless they have someone they deserve, who tells them the truth.

We can only hope that each person you kill finds this person.

Thank God I did. Maybe some day, I'll tell you just who you are. Of course, I wont stab you in the heart with a rusty spork that's on fire. I'll just tell you, in the sweetest way, the very truth you deserve, the reality you run from, that you take out on others. And I'll be free of you, I'll have said what I needed to say, and I'll have been the better person. And maybe, that will stay with you, and you'll get what you've been giving.

Oh, hey.

Okay, so, it's been like, what? A month? Something like that, I'm not really sure.

Why have I been completely absent from blogger?

1. The musical (just ended)

2. Daily life

3. Registering for a new school

Etc, etc.

I've no time for this right now. So, hopefully I'll be back this summer, or next school year. Because I have no time for this but frankly, I still want to blog. I love it. So, I'll return.

And when I return I'll be happy and new.